it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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