you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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