I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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