An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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