Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
