If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
