i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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