My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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