I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
