how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize