I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
