I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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