Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
