Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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