I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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