$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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