Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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