I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
