It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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