ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize