my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
