i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
