need another drink. this is the easiest way
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
