dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
oh god was she eating orange peels again
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
