Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I forget how to act sober
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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