I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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