life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
