do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
