Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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