i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
