She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
