we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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