I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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