dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just found puke in my bra..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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