My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
