I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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