just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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