Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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