not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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