i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize