You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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