I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
