There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
