just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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