My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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