I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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