Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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