I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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