seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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