My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I could fuck to npr.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
