my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
