What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
