This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
