This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
