3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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