You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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