And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You are a genius and a whore.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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