We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
