i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
